red.

lets think about this logically. no. that's it. just no. what if you have to cut people out? do it? maybe? i don't know. i love my family. i have no respect for people who hide, run, or pretend. i can't do the same. i'm marrying a man... that makes me smile. but this doesn't. i like when it snows. the snow and the rain over manhattan is so cleansing. it's amazing. it's fresh, it's new. but i'm home. i'm in jersey where you can see all the stars, orion's belt and the lunar eclipse. that's right. i came home in perfect time, not only to celebrate Isis's birthday, but to see the lunar eclipse. it was red. ahh the color red. i love it. it's amazing. i like red. i like red things, but not too many. red walls are fun, but too much for me. i like red. passion. lust. sex. hmmm. i want it. it will happen. why rush things? there is no point. yea, i miss it. but i can wait. waiting is good. patience is good. self control is good. i like good. good sucks sometimes. but it's good. i want to live a good life. hell i live a great life. i have so much. my cat is on my lap. she loves me a lot and she is purring. i'm not even tired. but my tummy is full and i had an egg today. i made it with maple syrup and a little nori, of course. otherwise i'd go crazy. well, not really. only if it were an everyday thing. ahh balance. balance is good. maybe i need it right now. not balance. sex. oh cecilia i'm begging you please to come home. what? okay well america is in debt guys, hello?? we have no money. i love new york. penny is purring. i miss her while i'm at school. olive is great. but crazy. penny calms me down. ooh the nickel. Five cents. hmmm... i like them when they are clean and shiny. shiny is nice. just like the engagement ring i want to get for my future husband. i like pretty dudes. so red. hmmm... passion. intensity. blood. pain. love. sex. so about that time. i got sick and came home. i needed it. i came home. i needed to see the lunar eclipse and to stand outside in the snow. i needed it. i danced in the snow and sang songs in my head and tasted crystallized water in my mouth. oh the lunar eclipse. it was red. it's time for something new. it's the end of the winter. the beginning of the spring. time for rebirth. just like the phoenix. oh remember red? fire. forgot to mention that one. i have a lot of water. lots of it, i'm an emotional well. a well of water. that's probably why i like fire so much. opposites attract. balance perhaps? okay, i keep talking. but remember i want new. so new it is. white again? it's clean again. brown rice again. and root vegetable soup again. i need a week at the kushi institute. talk to michio. what you do in life matters. i just heard that on a commercial, so i typed it. whoa. right now there are a lot of things hitting me. my cats tail. the light from my computer. the light from the tv. my mom's brain waves. my cat's brainwaves. and electronic waves from the tv and my computer. lets get back on track. something new zachary. something new! no, i lied. not something new. yes, a new start. that's it a start button. i exhausted myself. i love working though! i worked way too much. RENT is in the back of my head. ahhh... even worse, it's in RED. i like red though. it's sexy. i like sexy. i need more sexy in my life. maybe that's what should be new. new and sexy. a new and sexy spring. a new and sexy lab coat. a new and sexy organic chemistry book. because that is what i should be reading right now. so lets start something new. i am going to read a new chapter in organic chemistry.

the gas law

so it's march. it's almost the spring time. i don't like capitolizing my i's because i like the dot. i know it's grammatically incorrect, and i don't write like that. i just like the way it looks on the computer screen. dots. i am noticing phases. i don't like phases or cycles. i mean i guess they are important, but i hate complacency. i think i need some cycles in my life. i guess i have them. not cycles, patterns. i need patterns. i like patterns. i like breaking patterns. no i don't. haha. i can't stay up past midnight. besides that.. i don't know what i am talking about. i have been feeling a lot of pressure. PV=nRT. pressure and volume are directly proportionate and the more i fill my capacity, the more pressure i build. i went home. but it didn't help. ahh. i'm cutting people out. i have too. there's just no room. i don't have the patience anymore. i miss my cousin. i miss hanging out with her all the time. i want best friends. not seasonal friends. it's my fault. i keep everyone at a distance. i know that, but it's hard. talk about trust issues. hmmm. i like rice. i just want rice in my life all the time. brown rice and lots of perfectly cooked vegetables. and i like dirt. i want central park dirt and grass and i want to feel it between my toes. yum. and to dance. i am dancing. i like dancing. i've always liked dancing. i want to dance and feel the grass between my feet. i am ready for the spring. the spring solstice. ahh. vetta. and bugs. i don't like itchy bugs. but i like pretty insects and butterflies. and worms.

crystalline dihydrogen monoxide.

i heart frozen crystalline stars falling from the blanketed cosmos.

if all the snowflakes were rice cakes and fun cakes,
oh what a day it would be!
Standing outside with my mouth open wide,
ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ah!

move.

PILOBOLUS. move.

fungi.

the ocean and the moon.

move.

moving.

i'm walking. walking fast. so breathe. now i'm breathing and moving.

and breathing. walking. and singing. now breath. exhale, pull your belly in and up. it's moving. i'm moving. from inside out. and move. roots are growing through my toes. they are breaking my skin and cooling my body, my stomach is soft my spleen strong and a tree is growing through my heart it ripped it but its growing and beating and the tree is not only in my heart but in my feet and in my head my mind is full of branches with leaves green leaves and yellow leaves and orange leaves. and blue leaves and purple leaves. there are buds on my ears where my kidneys reside and my liver is making wood. my stomache is soft but on fire and my lungs are feeding the air my mind is being emptied. it's at war with itself. but stop. thoughts are wasting. stop wasting time grow up and over the debris take from it what you can and grow taller and break through your skull. break through it and reach towards the heaven. be humble and strong. stand sturdy but move with the wind. burn with the fire and be nourished by the water. discharge the toxic, sweat it out from your skin. suck it out from your veins. be in love with what is and what is to come discharge the past and love what is now. grow what was grow what is and grow what is to come for growing is loving and loving is growing. and breathing is accepting and accepting is breathing. so chew and love and touch and eat. keep growing and moving and eating, break your bones and break your skin grow out through your crown and love what is to come.

i want a best friend.

6-(hydroxymethyl)oxane

so we are here now.

i really enjoy the christmas season. steamed chocolate soy milk and ribboned candy canes make up a quarter of my nightly dreams. it's weird to think that this is my 20th christmas.

my stomach has been in knots lately. tight, contractive knots. an uneasiness even rice porridge could potentially upset. i'm not sick. i mean i could be, but i think this is a mental and emotional manifestation. finals are this week, papers are due, i want to be doing better, a close family friend died last week from bladder cancer, i opened this door that may have been better kept bolt locked and hammered shut, and on top of it all i really just need to alleviate some testosterone....

i lied. i lied. i don't trust anyone, i've contracted myself. my hands are cold. this studio is cold. we need a heater.

my thought process is so complex. and i'm sure there are others who's mechanisms are even more esoteric. i think i want that special connection again. of course, it's been so long sometimes i think i may just want to throw someone around and bathe in pure lust and physical satisfaction. in reality, when it comes down to it, i just can't do it. some people are happy with a fling. the idea is great. a summer fling, a christmas partner. whatever the hell it is. i guess i have a hard enough time opening up to the real thing... or what i think or thought was the real thing, but opening up to something that isn't, is nearly impossible for me. ha. i can't wait for this week to be over. i just want to lay down underneath my christmas tree at home and pretend i am lost in a noxious wonderland decorated with crystaline water molecules. a land enveloped with antique blown glass, hand-crafted ornaments, red ribbons, white lights, and the crisp, clean smell of limonetic compounds flowing from freshly cut evergreen trees. A land where you can taste and smell the sound of christmas carols and where the touch of a gingerbread is so soft and so warm you want nothing more than to sleep on it.

do we love things because we purely love them? or do we love things because it's easier to love something we are familiar with? or do we love things just because we've dedicated so much time and energy into learning how to love them? or do we love things because we are told too? or do we love things because we don't know what to love, so we just choose something or someone to identify with and give us purpose? or do we love things for all of the above reasons? oh how meredith grey of me.

i guess love isn't a single phenomena. it's a thought, an emotion, a physical state, and even spiritual revival that has infinitesimal dimensions. dimensions that can create dynamics. energy flow that shakes each and every chakra. from the earth, to the sacrum, from the sacrum to the sex organs, from the sex organs to the heart, from the heart to the third eye, and from the third eye to the stars....ahhh the dynamic is celestial.

so that boy. yea, that cute face. yea, that one. that's the dynamic. our conversations. our disagreements. our hopes and our dreams. crying and laughing. word vomit and literal vomit. someone to stretch with. someone to cry with. that's my best friend. that dynamic. someone to be naked with. someone to blow boogers on and someone to be an intellect with. someone to kiss. and someone to feel my kidneys. from friend to romantic and from romantic to lovers......maybe he's in seattle?

i love it when it snows.