moving.

i'm walking. walking fast. so breathe. now i'm breathing and moving.

and breathing. walking. and singing. now breath. exhale, pull your belly in and up. it's moving. i'm moving. from inside out. and move. roots are growing through my toes. they are breaking my skin and cooling my body, my stomach is soft my spleen strong and a tree is growing through my heart it ripped it but its growing and beating and the tree is not only in my heart but in my feet and in my head my mind is full of branches with leaves green leaves and yellow leaves and orange leaves. and blue leaves and purple leaves. there are buds on my ears where my kidneys reside and my liver is making wood. my stomache is soft but on fire and my lungs are feeding the air my mind is being emptied. it's at war with itself. but stop. thoughts are wasting. stop wasting time grow up and over the debris take from it what you can and grow taller and break through your skull. break through it and reach towards the heaven. be humble and strong. stand sturdy but move with the wind. burn with the fire and be nourished by the water. discharge the toxic, sweat it out from your skin. suck it out from your veins. be in love with what is and what is to come discharge the past and love what is now. grow what was grow what is and grow what is to come for growing is loving and loving is growing. and breathing is accepting and accepting is breathing. so chew and love and touch and eat. keep growing and moving and eating, break your bones and break your skin grow out through your crown and love what is to come.

i want a best friend.

6-(hydroxymethyl)oxane

so we are here now.

i really enjoy the christmas season. steamed chocolate soy milk and ribboned candy canes make up a quarter of my nightly dreams. it's weird to think that this is my 20th christmas.

my stomach has been in knots lately. tight, contractive knots. an uneasiness even rice porridge could potentially upset. i'm not sick. i mean i could be, but i think this is a mental and emotional manifestation. finals are this week, papers are due, i want to be doing better, a close family friend died last week from bladder cancer, i opened this door that may have been better kept bolt locked and hammered shut, and on top of it all i really just need to alleviate some testosterone....

i lied. i lied. i don't trust anyone, i've contracted myself. my hands are cold. this studio is cold. we need a heater.

my thought process is so complex. and i'm sure there are others who's mechanisms are even more esoteric. i think i want that special connection again. of course, it's been so long sometimes i think i may just want to throw someone around and bathe in pure lust and physical satisfaction. in reality, when it comes down to it, i just can't do it. some people are happy with a fling. the idea is great. a summer fling, a christmas partner. whatever the hell it is. i guess i have a hard enough time opening up to the real thing... or what i think or thought was the real thing, but opening up to something that isn't, is nearly impossible for me. ha. i can't wait for this week to be over. i just want to lay down underneath my christmas tree at home and pretend i am lost in a noxious wonderland decorated with crystaline water molecules. a land enveloped with antique blown glass, hand-crafted ornaments, red ribbons, white lights, and the crisp, clean smell of limonetic compounds flowing from freshly cut evergreen trees. A land where you can taste and smell the sound of christmas carols and where the touch of a gingerbread is so soft and so warm you want nothing more than to sleep on it.

do we love things because we purely love them? or do we love things because it's easier to love something we are familiar with? or do we love things just because we've dedicated so much time and energy into learning how to love them? or do we love things because we are told too? or do we love things because we don't know what to love, so we just choose something or someone to identify with and give us purpose? or do we love things for all of the above reasons? oh how meredith grey of me.

i guess love isn't a single phenomena. it's a thought, an emotion, a physical state, and even spiritual revival that has infinitesimal dimensions. dimensions that can create dynamics. energy flow that shakes each and every chakra. from the earth, to the sacrum, from the sacrum to the sex organs, from the sex organs to the heart, from the heart to the third eye, and from the third eye to the stars....ahhh the dynamic is celestial.

so that boy. yea, that cute face. yea, that one. that's the dynamic. our conversations. our disagreements. our hopes and our dreams. crying and laughing. word vomit and literal vomit. someone to stretch with. someone to cry with. that's my best friend. that dynamic. someone to be naked with. someone to blow boogers on and someone to be an intellect with. someone to kiss. and someone to feel my kidneys. from friend to romantic and from romantic to lovers......maybe he's in seattle?

i love it when it snows.

thank you.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

"right here the music gets incredible, ahhhh just feel it..."

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you...


thank you.

oluv oluv

lets dance once upon a December where mushaboom meets Ben Gibbard and Olive can float in the sky and chocolate rice dreams melt in our mouth and the aroma of fractured light envelops our nose and the sound of Christmas carols shakes our soul and i can run around in my socks and underwear and play with your dirty hair and give you soft bacis on your ears and let the science of sleep take control of our minds because our reality is waiting to hit us hard with taxis and bungee cords and tall buildings because our breath controls our life and our food creates our blood but our thoughts create our reality.

Love

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people,
and there fell a stillness upon them.
And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart,
and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh,
but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart,"
but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

pushing and pulling

there is one thing, and one thing only that New York City lacks, and that is an incredibly clear view of the stars.

it was a new moon this year and the perseids were pretty clear. the meteor shower was incredible. with each star dusted trail my hairs stuck up on end. almost as if the entrance of the meteorite into the earths atmosphere had a magnetic influence on the earth's natural polarity, resulting in magnetic chaos affecting each and every hair on my body. they were honestly one of the most magnificent things i have ever seen.

star gazing is a favorite past time. an activity i haven't done in months. however, for the past week, i have taken advantage of the clear skiy. the universe is incredible you know. it's like a magnetic network. yin and yang, pushing and pulling. unfortunately, we forget that attraction could not exist with out repulsion. people draw close to us, and people flee us. their responses are natural, sometimes painful, but we are all trying to find balance. for some, they will draw in and out drastically for the rest of their lives. never learning to truly love themselves, and hence, never learning to truly love others. loving oneself, i guess, in a sense, is striving for balance. energetic balance. i mean we see it all the time. over worked coorporate americans take four week vacations once every four years, and soda pop is counter balanced with chicken and hamburger meat. we all look for balance, whether we realize it or not. we are attracted to people who have traits we lack, and we grab a bag of pretzels after clearing a strawberry smoothie or candy bar. the universe is also expanding and contracting, it directs us and pushes us. however, most are too contracted or too expanded to understand the deeper meaning of it's pulling and pushing.

pushing and pulling. pushing and pulling. pulling and pushing. up and down. outward and inward. back and forth. side to side. pulling and pushing. expanding and contracting. outward and inward. adjust and readjust. inside and outside. down and up. loose and tight and pushing and pulling. outside and inside and outward and inward. right and left. left and right. pulling and pushing. attraction and repulsion. pushing and pulling. pushing and pulling and pulling and pulling and pulling. and pushing. repulsion and attraction. life is beautiful, isn't it?





a shooting star. a meteorite. a lightening bug.



and there's nothing wrong with love,
i think it's just enough to believe.

but a certain sign of grace is this,
from the broken earth flowers come up,
pushing through the dirt.

i'm looking for the one with the glass slipper.
lets rearrange.

the perseids are here. they are giving. thank you, you are my shooting star.