i want a best friend.

6-(hydroxymethyl)oxane

so we are here now.

i really enjoy the christmas season. steamed chocolate soy milk and ribboned candy canes make up a quarter of my nightly dreams. it's weird to think that this is my 20th christmas.

my stomach has been in knots lately. tight, contractive knots. an uneasiness even rice porridge could potentially upset. i'm not sick. i mean i could be, but i think this is a mental and emotional manifestation. finals are this week, papers are due, i want to be doing better, a close family friend died last week from bladder cancer, i opened this door that may have been better kept bolt locked and hammered shut, and on top of it all i really just need to alleviate some testosterone....

i lied. i lied. i don't trust anyone, i've contracted myself. my hands are cold. this studio is cold. we need a heater.

my thought process is so complex. and i'm sure there are others who's mechanisms are even more esoteric. i think i want that special connection again. of course, it's been so long sometimes i think i may just want to throw someone around and bathe in pure lust and physical satisfaction. in reality, when it comes down to it, i just can't do it. some people are happy with a fling. the idea is great. a summer fling, a christmas partner. whatever the hell it is. i guess i have a hard enough time opening up to the real thing... or what i think or thought was the real thing, but opening up to something that isn't, is nearly impossible for me. ha. i can't wait for this week to be over. i just want to lay down underneath my christmas tree at home and pretend i am lost in a noxious wonderland decorated with crystaline water molecules. a land enveloped with antique blown glass, hand-crafted ornaments, red ribbons, white lights, and the crisp, clean smell of limonetic compounds flowing from freshly cut evergreen trees. A land where you can taste and smell the sound of christmas carols and where the touch of a gingerbread is so soft and so warm you want nothing more than to sleep on it.

do we love things because we purely love them? or do we love things because it's easier to love something we are familiar with? or do we love things just because we've dedicated so much time and energy into learning how to love them? or do we love things because we are told too? or do we love things because we don't know what to love, so we just choose something or someone to identify with and give us purpose? or do we love things for all of the above reasons? oh how meredith grey of me.

i guess love isn't a single phenomena. it's a thought, an emotion, a physical state, and even spiritual revival that has infinitesimal dimensions. dimensions that can create dynamics. energy flow that shakes each and every chakra. from the earth, to the sacrum, from the sacrum to the sex organs, from the sex organs to the heart, from the heart to the third eye, and from the third eye to the stars....ahhh the dynamic is celestial.

so that boy. yea, that cute face. yea, that one. that's the dynamic. our conversations. our disagreements. our hopes and our dreams. crying and laughing. word vomit and literal vomit. someone to stretch with. someone to cry with. that's my best friend. that dynamic. someone to be naked with. someone to blow boogers on and someone to be an intellect with. someone to kiss. and someone to feel my kidneys. from friend to romantic and from romantic to lovers......maybe he's in seattle?

i love it when it snows.

thank you.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

"right here the music gets incredible, ahhhh just feel it..."

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you...


thank you.