i want a best friend.

6-(hydroxymethyl)oxane

so we are here now.

i really enjoy the christmas season. steamed chocolate soy milk and ribboned candy canes make up a quarter of my nightly dreams. it's weird to think that this is my 20th christmas.

my stomach has been in knots lately. tight, contractive knots. an uneasiness even rice porridge could potentially upset. i'm not sick. i mean i could be, but i think this is a mental and emotional manifestation. finals are this week, papers are due, i want to be doing better, a close family friend died last week from bladder cancer, i opened this door that may have been better kept bolt locked and hammered shut, and on top of it all i really just need to alleviate some testosterone....

i lied. i lied. i don't trust anyone, i've contracted myself. my hands are cold. this studio is cold. we need a heater.

my thought process is so complex. and i'm sure there are others who's mechanisms are even more esoteric. i think i want that special connection again. of course, it's been so long sometimes i think i may just want to throw someone around and bathe in pure lust and physical satisfaction. in reality, when it comes down to it, i just can't do it. some people are happy with a fling. the idea is great. a summer fling, a christmas partner. whatever the hell it is. i guess i have a hard enough time opening up to the real thing... or what i think or thought was the real thing, but opening up to something that isn't, is nearly impossible for me. ha. i can't wait for this week to be over. i just want to lay down underneath my christmas tree at home and pretend i am lost in a noxious wonderland decorated with crystaline water molecules. a land enveloped with antique blown glass, hand-crafted ornaments, red ribbons, white lights, and the crisp, clean smell of limonetic compounds flowing from freshly cut evergreen trees. A land where you can taste and smell the sound of christmas carols and where the touch of a gingerbread is so soft and so warm you want nothing more than to sleep on it.

do we love things because we purely love them? or do we love things because it's easier to love something we are familiar with? or do we love things just because we've dedicated so much time and energy into learning how to love them? or do we love things because we are told too? or do we love things because we don't know what to love, so we just choose something or someone to identify with and give us purpose? or do we love things for all of the above reasons? oh how meredith grey of me.

i guess love isn't a single phenomena. it's a thought, an emotion, a physical state, and even spiritual revival that has infinitesimal dimensions. dimensions that can create dynamics. energy flow that shakes each and every chakra. from the earth, to the sacrum, from the sacrum to the sex organs, from the sex organs to the heart, from the heart to the third eye, and from the third eye to the stars....ahhh the dynamic is celestial.

so that boy. yea, that cute face. yea, that one. that's the dynamic. our conversations. our disagreements. our hopes and our dreams. crying and laughing. word vomit and literal vomit. someone to stretch with. someone to cry with. that's my best friend. that dynamic. someone to be naked with. someone to blow boogers on and someone to be an intellect with. someone to kiss. and someone to feel my kidneys. from friend to romantic and from romantic to lovers......maybe he's in seattle?

i love it when it snows.

thank you.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

"right here the music gets incredible, ahhhh just feel it..."

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you...


thank you.

oluv oluv

lets dance once upon a December where mushaboom meets Ben Gibbard and Olive can float in the sky and chocolate rice dreams melt in our mouth and the aroma of fractured light envelops our nose and the sound of Christmas carols shakes our soul and i can run around in my socks and underwear and play with your dirty hair and give you soft bacis on your ears and let the science of sleep take control of our minds because our reality is waiting to hit us hard with taxis and bungee cords and tall buildings because our breath controls our life and our food creates our blood but our thoughts create our reality.

Love

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people,
and there fell a stillness upon them.
And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart,
and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh,
but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart,"
but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

pushing and pulling

there is one thing, and one thing only that New York City lacks, and that is an incredibly clear view of the stars.

it was a new moon this year and the perseids were pretty clear. the meteor shower was incredible. with each star dusted trail my hairs stuck up on end. almost as if the entrance of the meteorite into the earths atmosphere had a magnetic influence on the earth's natural polarity, resulting in magnetic chaos affecting each and every hair on my body. they were honestly one of the most magnificent things i have ever seen.

star gazing is a favorite past time. an activity i haven't done in months. however, for the past week, i have taken advantage of the clear skiy. the universe is incredible you know. it's like a magnetic network. yin and yang, pushing and pulling. unfortunately, we forget that attraction could not exist with out repulsion. people draw close to us, and people flee us. their responses are natural, sometimes painful, but we are all trying to find balance. for some, they will draw in and out drastically for the rest of their lives. never learning to truly love themselves, and hence, never learning to truly love others. loving oneself, i guess, in a sense, is striving for balance. energetic balance. i mean we see it all the time. over worked coorporate americans take four week vacations once every four years, and soda pop is counter balanced with chicken and hamburger meat. we all look for balance, whether we realize it or not. we are attracted to people who have traits we lack, and we grab a bag of pretzels after clearing a strawberry smoothie or candy bar. the universe is also expanding and contracting, it directs us and pushes us. however, most are too contracted or too expanded to understand the deeper meaning of it's pulling and pushing.

pushing and pulling. pushing and pulling. pulling and pushing. up and down. outward and inward. back and forth. side to side. pulling and pushing. expanding and contracting. outward and inward. adjust and readjust. inside and outside. down and up. loose and tight and pushing and pulling. outside and inside and outward and inward. right and left. left and right. pulling and pushing. attraction and repulsion. pushing and pulling. pushing and pulling and pulling and pulling and pulling. and pushing. repulsion and attraction. life is beautiful, isn't it?





a shooting star. a meteorite. a lightening bug.



and there's nothing wrong with love,
i think it's just enough to believe.

but a certain sign of grace is this,
from the broken earth flowers come up,
pushing through the dirt.

i'm looking for the one with the glass slipper.
lets rearrange.

the perseids are here. they are giving. thank you, you are my shooting star.

Central Park

I tend to over think and over analyze. I thought it was a good thing, and then I thought it was a bad thing, and now I don't even know if there is such a thing as something...

...I really need to take my own advice.

I went to Manhattan this weekend. Haven't been since I left school. Don't get me wrong, I love it. But I needed a break. Too much baggage I guess. I went to the park, 75th and 2nd, went to the bar and sat down around the airboat pond. I should really determine the name of the pond and general area considering I'm there so often.

I sat down with some friends from school. All of which I haven't seen since May or sometime before then. Part of me feels like this summer has been a millenia, where as the other part can go back to the Orientation like it was just yesterday.

Anyway, there was a woman sitting with her dog. The stature of the dog reminded me of a great dane. However, its fur, size, pointed snout, and erect ears said otherwise. the woman with the dog was older, perhaps in her sixties or seventies. she had a full head of dark, auburn hair, she was dressed well, and had an aire of confidence around her.

I decided to approach her and ask her about her dog, which is by no means far-fetched for myself. I tend to be attracted to and even obsessed with anything that has a heart, lungs (or gills), and is living. I asked her how old the dog was, I assumed 8 or 9, she told me 11. Quite old for a dog that size, yet she had a feverishly child-like personality. She told me the dog was part lab and german shepherd, which explained the pointed ears, double-coat, and ticked-tan color of the fur. I was half-dissapointed when she didn't mention Great Dane... until, after being smothered in the face by the dogs slobbery tongue, she mentioned that the lab was a great dane and lab mix. She was a beautiful dog. Well, taken care-of, friendly, loyal, and obedient. I sat and pet the dog vigorously for a few minutes and worked my way down his back to feel for any tightness. The dog's spine was quite relaxed and seemed to have very little pressure. Surprising for a dog of that age.

The woman's face was masked behind an array of natural colored beauty products. Her wrinkles deep, and her lines directly reflected her internal condition. She began to talk about her life here in New York, from the day she was married to her husband, to the day she arrived to America in 1961 as an immigrant from Switzerland, and to the day of her husband's death 22 years ago. Her husband's death saddened me. However, she spoke of her relationship with him confidently and continued to describe her life here in New York with her daughter and her daughter's husband. She was an intelligent woman, she spoke with me about politics (a topic I am poorly educated in) and about her life in manhattan. We spoke about Central Park and the architecture on the West Side for at least 25 minutes. All the while, the dog sat patiently besides me, ever so often getting up and walking around to evaluate his surroundings or to respond to his biological necessity to alleviate his bladder.

We talked about school for a little. I shyed from the subject, afraid I was going to have to talk about myself. She began to tell me more about her life. She suggested I eat at Perleit (spelling?), a wonderful restaurant at the corner of 71st and 2nd near the school, and also told me the exact address and building that she lived in. Her accent captivated me, drawing me deeper and deeper into conversation with her. Her confidence and her appreciation for our conversation glowed through her skin. She complimented our conversation and greatly appreciated my maturity, especially for a "young lad," like myself. At times I felt like our conversation was almost silly. An old, widdowed, battered immigrant woman, now well-situated to life in manhattan after years of trial and error and a 19 year old student trying to make ends meet in Manhattan and make sense of modern medicine and nutrition, could only have so much to talk about. Yet our conversation seemed to flow endlessly. Besides our attraction towards men and our mutual feelings for her pet dog, I feel like we had almost nothing in common. Our lives were painting us both very different pictures and our decisions and choices were leading us in two very different directions. After closing our conversation, the woman told me not to hesitate to pull her aside and talk to her if I was ever to run into her again, she even suggested we get food at Grace's or go to the park. She farewelled by telling me to have fun with my friends, and I wished her a good evening.

My friends teased me and laughed about my infatuation with the old woman and her dog. Of course they did so in a friendly and caring manner.

I thought about my picture, the picture my life was painting. A picture full of sweet childhood memories, of family vacations on the Jersey shore too adventurous trips to Disney World, to middle-school memories of church and school, and high school memories of school spirit, sports, and drama. The picture was changing, with every year and every new experience my life's drawing has been dressed with muted hues of oppression and self-denial, scarlet reds filled with passion and love and jealousy, muddy-colors of confusion and depression, and angelic greens and blues reflecting regeneration, new growth, and maturity. I began looking at this picture, the once muddy and confused painting began to take shape. My thoughts, my picture, my life, slowly began to become clearer.

the widdowed woman and her dog were forever part of my picture,

This is silly.

I LOVE lightening bugs and I LOVE the grass and I love cartwheels and round offs and muscles and Will&Grace and Nina and I love working out.

BBveegs.

lets take care of these...

SPLEEN
Emotions - worry, dwelling or focusing too much on a particular topic, excessive mental work
Spleen Function - Food digestion and nutrient absorption. Helps in the formation of blood and energy. Keeps blood in the blood vessels. Connected with muscles, mouth, and lips. Involved in thinking, studying, and memory.
Symptoms of Spleen Imbalance - Tired, loss of appetite, mucus discharge, poor digestion, abdominal distension, loose stools or diarrhea. Weak muscles, pale lips. Bruising, excess menstrual blood flow, and other bleeding disorders.

KIDNEY
Emotions - fearful, weak willpower, insecure, aloof, isolated.
Kidney Function - Key organ for sustaining life. Responsible for reproduction, growth and development, and maturation. Involved with lungs in water metabolism and respiration. Connected with bones, teeth, ears, and head hair.
Symptoms of Kidney Imbalance: Frequent urination, urinary incontinence, night sweats, dry mouth, poor short-term memory, low back pain, ringing in the ears, hearing loss, and other ear conditions. Premature grey hair, hair loss, and osteoporosis.

if God is a DJ, then life is a dance floor.

Just Keep Swimming

"just keep swimming, just keep swimming.... just keep swimming, doo doo doo doo doo!" sang by Dory, the infamous amnesic blue tang of Disney and Pixar's Finding Nemo had a profound influence on my night.

Dory's story is incredible, a forgetful fish, with no family and no memory, helps a poor clown fish find his disabled son, Nemo. the story is quite extreme from a fish's perspective, an experience no human could ever fathom, yet Dory finds hope in every moment throughout the film. she has faith. she doesn't know what will come next, but she follows her heart, she may get hurt and bruised, but she continues to love and have faith no matter what the circumstance.

so just keep swimming, just keep swimming... just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

just keep swimming, just keep swimming.... just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.







i love fish :)